I have been hit by a truck today...not literally [for those of you that just gasped].
You go through life comparing yourself to everyone, feeling you are a pretty good person because you do the things that society says, makes you a good person. Well, the Lord disagrees. I have gotten stuck in a rut of drifting through life being-not satisfied-but satisfied enough with how I am...[very dangerous].
I had a good talk with a dear friend of mine and I walked away feeling like a horrible person. The 8min drive home turned into, what seemed like, an hour-just absorbing everything we had discussed and the state of my life as I know it. I get so caught up in, well, everything I blog about haha and forget to analyze myself as a person and what I am made of and who I TRULY am. I am displeased. Nothing good comes from this person that isn't of the Lord and I so often forget that. I am not the strong person I thought I was and I am not spiritual enough, close enough to my Lord, to lead myself-let alone- help anyone else. I'm nothing without God and I remembered that tonight.
I don't think I have gotten to know me yet. I find myself being unfamiliar with 'what makes me tick' and the actual substance of Brittany Lee Boven. How have I let so many years slip by without realizing this?! Don't get me wrong, I am an overall happy girl that loves the Lord and blah blah blah...but I have been too satisfied with that. I say I am happy, but am I grateful; and I say I love the Lord, but how do I prove it!? The Lord says, "I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me." [Proverbs 8:17] I have not sought the Lord everyday or early for that matter. I, like everyone, have had my times when I am closer to the Lord and then drift away, but why? Why is life so easily consumed with so many unimportant things!? It doesn't make any sense how the Lord can give us "the desires of our heart" if we only seek His will...yet I brush Him off and try to do my own thing and end up miserable!
I have given the false impression, to myself and others, that I can be an encouragement and that I have some type of wisdom to bestow on others-that couldn't be farther from the truth. This "gift" of helping others, has become more of a flaw everyday. I have become complacent in the fact that I need to help people, but in the process I have crippled both myself and them. I forget that I could be robbing people (including myself) of the blesses gained through trials. How dare I! I need to get off my self-righteous-high-horse and get on my knees.
I realize all of this has been a bit...well, I won't lie, it has been VERY heavy! However, believe it or not, I feel so cleansed! I just gave a detailed description of how pathetic of a person I am, yet, I have admitted it and feel anxious to begin trying harder! I feel like the Lord can talk to me now and I will listen! I am a horrible person...but Jesus is working on me! THIS IS GREAT!!!
2 comments:
Hon, sometimes all you have to do is get it off your chest and it's like a breath of fresh air. Regardless of who you THINK you're helping and who you are actually helping, could be two different things.. a lot of times its your EAR that does most of the work anyway :]
i LOVE you girl, and know i'm ALWAYS praying for you!!
thank you dear :) I know you do :)
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